Why We Should Stop Saying “I Know Exactly How You Feel”

How many times have we heard ourselves saying the words, “I know exactly how you feel”? It usually comes from a good place. We want to comfort, relate, or let someone know they’re not alone. But the truth is, we don’t actually know how someone else feels. And often, those words can take the focus away from the very person who just needs to be heard.

Celeste Headlee’s article, Why we should all stop saying “I know exactly how you feel”, is such an important reminder. It highlighted for me how easily we can fall into conversational habits that shift attention back to ourselves when someone is really looking for understanding. It’s a gentle nudge for us all to pause and reflect on how we respond the next time someone opens their heart.

The Trap of Turning the Spotlight

I’ve noticed how easy it is to slip into making conversations about ourselves without meaning to. We might think we’re showing empathy, but often it comes across as comparison. Someone says, “I’m having such a hard week at work”, and our first instinct is to reply, “Me too, I can’t keep up either.”

That response is understandable—we’re wired to connect other people’s words to our own experiences. But while it helps us make sense of what we hear, it can also take the conversation away from the person who needs it most.

What Makes the Difference

Instead of a “me too” moment, the smallest shift in words can change everything. Imagine replying with, “That sounds tough, what’s been happening for you?” That kind of response leaves the focus where it belongs—on the other person. It says, I’m listening. I want to hear more.

Why Listening Matters More Than Fixing

When someone is vulnerable—whether grieving, stressed, or even sharing good news—they don’t usually need advice, solutions, or comparisons. What they long for is presence. To feel that their experience is valid and important.

Sometimes the most supportive things we can say are simple:

• “That sounds really hard.”

• “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”

• “Tell me more.”

These words don’t fix anything. But they hold space. And often, that’s what makes all the difference.

A Gentle Practice for Everyday Life

Next time you find yourself in conversation, pause and ask:

• Am I turning the focus back to me, or keeping it with them?

• Am I listening to understand, or listening just to respond?

• Am I creating space for them to feel seen and heard?

These small shifts build trust and connection. They remind the other person: your story matters here.

Final Thought

This lesson isn’t just for counsellors or therapists—it’s for all of us. With friends, partners, children, colleagues, even strangers. When we stop saying, “I know exactly how you feel,” we make room for genuine empathy. We stop talking at people, and instead we start listening with them.

And that’s where real connection begins.

Parihan Wyatt

Counsellor